Poised At The End Of The World. (Or Not So Poised.)

"That's what she said before she went to bed very satisfied and happy."
-Taylor

"Elise, if I don't find my shirt I'm wearing your pot holders home."
-Kristen (Said with pot holders dangling out of her bra.)

"You could always lie back. I could always rub other things."
-Kristina

"You burped me!"
-Taylor

"What are you talking about? I've had multiple shirts stolen from me. Skillets. Pots. If the zombies come, I'm fucked."
-Kristen

"You can wear the scarf. You just have to put both the ends back so both your titties are in full view."
-Marcus

"I'm being raped by boobies!"
-Dillion

"Why are all the shirts off?"
-Bryce

"Hers are more like 'bpeew!' and yours are more like 'WOOOAH.'"
-Dillion, comparing mine and Mackenzie's breasts.

"Please don't actually kiss my ass."
-Taylor

"Wait. Have you ever met a woman who's not a man?"
-Dillion

"Shake your butt this time or you lose."
-Kristen

"I'm getting a massage. I prefer onion rings."
-Kristen

"Where are my zombie-squishing boots?"
-Bryce

"Do you think they drink whisky in space?"
-J'myle (Said very incredulously.)

"Kristina has been saved by the lord Obama. Raise your pans. Good thing we're using brown paper bags, that's less racist."
-Bryce

"Obama will tell us. Let's pray to Obama. I'm channeling Obama through this pan."
-Bryce

"Is that what we're doing? Turning into zombies?"
-Mackenzie

"She just said, 'Who's Angela Lansbury?'"
"I just dropped my pot. I don't care about killing zombies anymore."
-Me, Bryce (about Mackenzie)

"If you're not hot by the time you're 26, you're probably not attractive."
-J'myle

"I will feed you to the zombies if you don't tell the story."
-Bryce

"Did I SAY I was a bear? I'm a Bryce!"
-Bryce

"Inside voice, neo-hippie."
-Kyle

"Tammy is the Kevin Bacon of the real world."
-Taylor

"I would totally have a camping funnel."
-Cami

"Preston's Chinese when he's high."
-Alexa

"I am fully gruntled, thank you."
-Michele

"Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

Disclaimer: Obviously, since some of these are my family, they weren't alcohol induced.

"You can't really ruin turkpot."
-Kristen Nelson

"All this talk about blow jobs is making me want a cigarette."
-Dillion Barker

"We have to watch it together. It's good. There's lots of water."
-My mom

"What is this, the emergency room? I wanted to go to the mall!"
-My sister Heidi

"Let my iPhone go." (Sung to the tune of "Let My People Go.")
-Andrea

"I am the witch Abagabba! This is my stick, and this is my band aid! Those zombie scuba divers don't stand a chance!"
-My mom

"That was fast! I'm gonna write your name on the bathroom wall, sir."
-Justin Bradley

"Am I reversing puberty?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Everybody's glowing."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Everything's fuzzy but the people. Are you heaven people?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"I'm going to drown!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"How long until they almost rape you?"
-JayC Stoddard

Some May Have Been Halloween Candy-Induced...

"Don't let that dragonfly touch me or I'll fall off the edge of this castle."
-Me

"It'sa Mario!"
"No...it's a Mexican. With a moustache."
-Bryce and Taylor

"I've got fourth wall in my eye."
-Sam

"He put his face in my hands and I told him I was drunk."
-Amanda

"I'm gonna sleep with you if I can't find anyone else. Get your vagina ready."
-Bryce

"I'm never going to need to do cocaine. Like, ever. Mania...is fantastic. I'm really dizzy, perhaps I should lie down. No! No lying down! Pizza! Pizza fairies that deliver pizza in the middle of the woods! Bubbles bubbles saran wrap bubbles. Cop, cop rocks, doughnuts self-promoting puppy vouchers. Presidents cherry stix flavored vodka on the rocks with SALT! Hotcha! Management queries legal factoid button nose plug blue."
-Me

"You look like a woman who is hot and wearing leather. I don't have that option. They all know I have a penis."
-Bryce

"Your boobs taste like Homer Simpson."
-J'myle

"My nipples just ripped my dress open."
-Bryce

"I would NOT drink a Malbec after bad sex."
-Dillion

"This wine is quite fluffy."
-Bryce

"Where are the friends? I need folk!"
-Greg

"How's it gonna be, Jared. ... Pffffffffffffft."
-Sam

"Once you screw a Jew, nothing else will do."
-Michele

"I'll eat your pasta."
-Me

"You never know when you're gonna need a good dress, I mean, come on!"
-Jesse

Listen...do you smell something?

"I think Wal Mart is where dreams go to die...or where Mexican women go to puke in the twenty items or less lane."
-Me

"I would not flake in your mouth!"
-Bryce

"I drooled up my nostril."
-Anthony

"I need to get drunk next rehearsal so that I can cry."
-Me

"I only punched one person. That's called being a good sport."
-Bryce

"What? What were you so excited about twenty minutes ago that made you so distracted that you were a bad active listener?"
-Kyle

"My mice like beer. And Alias."
-Me

"When you're dancing on a Buick, it gets really hot."
-Some drunk guy having a dance party in the middle of the Del Taco drive-thru.

"YOU SEEM PRETTY CHIPPER."
-Bryce

"I think my cat is allergic to me."
-Me

"My lip is no longer flexible. This is depressing."
-Greg

"I would gladly sponge a nurse."

"Everybody wins in a booby-holding contest."
-Me

"Does weed age like wine?"
-Sam

"It is perhaps time for you to admit that you were too stoned to hear me."
-Tiffany

"'You should really read Hamlet' is the worst pick-up line EVER."
-Sam

"Spit."
-Spencer

"I might have sex again sometime. That'd be cool."
-Michele

"Find a man a mermaid, he slaps you with shit."
-Christopher

"Put your butt on this glass real quick."
-Bryce

"Was one named Jeffrey? Because that's what I'd name an alligator."
-Bryce

That's What She...He...Who? Said.

"I just saw. I looked. With my eyes."

"I'm so excited for chicken nuggets I'm gonna cry!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Sugar! Sugar, sugar, coconut sugar! Sugar, coconut, prune, sugar! Sugar, prune, sugar coconut, SUGAR!"
-Me

"It's like business in the front, tired in the back."

"Wait! I have a solution to all of your problems! Calvin Klein is the dick whisperer!"

"Having testicles is a losing battle."
-Justin Bradley

"And then I saw handfuls of glitter pouring off my penis and I thought, oh god--that's me. Glitter is like the Herpes of craft supplies."
-Justin Bradley

"I feel like passing out. Or killing a hobo with a shovel. It's a very mixed emotion."
-Justin Bradley

"I feel like Professor Trelawny turned into Hermione."
-Spenst Hansen

"He made the sex with her. In the vag. With his penis. It's like an R rated version of Clue."
-Kristina Stone

"I don't know what it was so small. It was sad and hurt and scared."
-Spenst Hansen

"Your friends will say, 'Is that a joint?' 'No, it's a cat tampon.'"
-Spenst Hansen

"Why are you taking my clothes off?"
"You don't need them."
-Andrea, Bryce

"I feel like Elvis should sing this."
"I feel like he's dead."

"I just ate a pterodactyl."

"Don't mock me for the use of proper terminology. Poohead."
-Jim Hardwick

"I look like a leper."
"No you don't. Lepers look much worse."
-Me, Jim Hardwick

"Shut the fuck up and bring me my goddamn spinach dip!"
-Jesse Curran

"My new diet is don't eat the cookie."
"That sounds like a horror movie."
-Me, Jim Richards

"I was not aware of the bears, I guess."

"Ah, sex toys. They've saved more marriages than couple's therapy."
-Johnny Call

"Baby mermaids grow fast because they fart and then...phew..."
-Johnny Call

"This Altoid tastes like mermaid placenta."

"I need to go hide in someone."
-Andrea Hanson

"It's called a clitoris. Not the shoot button on your video game. Calm the fuck down."
-Taylor Lawrence

"I don't want anything that involves elbows or suspicious glances."
-Alisa Rodgers

"I'm gonna go where the darkness appreciates me."
-Bryce Kamryn

"I can be your cleavage gay!"
-Christopher Rose

"You two go together like a mostly nude Vaudevillian act."
-Justin Bradley

"Note: sex on tile doesn't work. But I want your babies!"
-Christopher Rose

"Fuck an apple empanada."
"But those are FOREIGN."
-Andrea, Greg Burbank

"My pillow is wet. MY PILLOW IS WET!"
-Stoned Greg

"God. God. God DAMMIT."
-Stoned Greg

"DOES HE KNOW?? Who? Who? WHO?"
-Stoned Greg (We still don't know who he was talking about.)

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING."
-Stoned Greg

"

Some Familial Gems

"I don't think my face could get any drier without being packaged for beef jerky."
-Leslie Hanson

"They say that Terriers need mind puzzles to learn. But I found that he had trouble with anything over 12 pieces."
-Hugh Hanson

"Aw. You smell like a sewer."
-Mia Hanson

"I like redundancy myself. Especially in fires. ... I don't know what that means."
-Leslie Hanson

"Is there more wood for this?"
-Leslie Hanson

"Refuse, rebel, reject."
-Joel Hanson (His response to 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.')

"I'm pretty sure I don't have to do anything you say because I'm handsome."
-Greyson Hanson

"That marshmallow is arousing me a little bit."
-Hugh Hanson

"I am not a cat. This is awkward."
-Greyson Hanson

Rubbing Up Against The Perineum Doesn't Count As Losing Your Virginity.

"They'd start fighting about god. Or sweaters."
-Dillion Barker

"Can we dump wine on Hermione?"
"Why?"
"To make her slimy."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Like, everything's numb. Am I dying?"
-Christopher Rose

"Will you tell him I'm not gonna puke?"
-Christopher Rose

"That thing was amazing. I was like...floating and shit. Wooooooooooaah!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Drink more, for tomorrow we die."
"Of alcohol poisoning."
-Jim Hardwick, Me

"She's having a pressing peristalsis poop predicament."
-Andrea Hanson

"And they never pooped again."
-Andrea Hanson

"I'm bad with Spanish and girl stuff."
-Jim Hardwick

"You know what we don't have? A little turquoise swimming pool. ... I'm sorry about that."
-My mom. (Obviously not druOh,nk talk. But still funny.)

"I'm not head butting you, I'm top heading you."
-Jim Hardwick

"Where does rain come from?"
-Jim Hardwick

"Your vibrato sounds like the pounding in my head."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Who doesn't like someone growling when they're naked?"
-Jesse Curran

"I look like a monkey having a seizure."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Penises are different colors? That's a thing?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"This boy is not delicious."
-Hermione

"This one time I had a nap. ... Badumbump."
-Greg Burbank

"I had to go to a bunny funeral. It was the most touching bunny funeral service I have ever seen."
-Dillion Barker

"Sometimes I pretend that I'm Dumbo. I hold a feather in my trunk and say, 'Please, Jesus, let me fly.' And then I meet Tinkerbell."
-Dillion Barker

"I wasn't raising my hand, I was dancing."
-Corey Wilkey

"Oh, your biggest turn-off is drama? Funny, my biggest turn-off is boring."
-Justin Bradley

"So-I have a question for you, and this is the vodka talking: what the hell?"
-Justin Bradley

"When did we become so socially out of demand?"
-Justin Bradley

"Patrick Stewart and I were trapped in a metal room. He had a light saber."
-Jim Hardwick

"She looked at me with those, 'I'm gonna shit on your carpet' eyes."
-Jim Hardwick

"That's gotta be, at least, the grand canyon of cleavage."
-Jim Hardwick

"I thought I could spell. Shit. I should just end it all now."
-Jim Hardwick

"Why do I always have to pee in weird locations? Like the roof."
-Jim Hardwick

Better Living Through Awesome Family Vacations (Strangely Enough, None Of These Were Alcohol Induced.)

"Sometimes I wish I had a little Chinese house servant to bring me things when I forget them."
-Marjaan

"Screamo always makes me feel like I need to poop."
-Marjaan

"Everyone knows that lesbian men have much higher voices than non-lesbian men."
-Marjaan

"You may have a problem if you choose Smarties over lunch."
-Marjaan (to Sheila)

"Not everyone can say they've peed in England. But we can. We've peed in England."
-Marjaan

"They were rattlesnakes. These are garter snakes. They're for vegetarian snake eaters."
-Marjaan

"My goal is to catch a snake sometime on this trip and kiss its forehead."
-Anthony

"That's ok, you can eat it!"
"I haven't bitten it yet!"
-Sam, Sheila. (Explanation: Sheila had food in her mouth that she didn't know Sam wanted, and was prepared to spit it out and feed it to Sam, mama bird to baby bird.)

"If I were a turkey on a dating site, I wouldn't want a face shot up there. I'd just flash my breast."
-Dad

"You flung your booger at me!"
-Anthony

"I missed your daydream. Sorry I didn't see that. I guess I just had a virtual noggin smack."
-Sheila

"Visitor Center!"
"Potty!"
-Sam, Marjaan

"Usually Visitor's Centers are a veritable cornucopia of information."
"I rather enjoyed that sentence."
"I can't do many things, but I sure can form a sentence."
-Me, Sam, Me

"That goat is giving birth to a tv. Or farting a radio."
-Dad's interpretation of an ancient petroglyph

"Shay, there's a crazy person up there!"
-Some random tourist lady on a mountain. About Anthony.

"I feel like a rock orphan."
-Marjaan

"Those must be vegetarian hawks."
"Why?"
"They're circling the crops."
-Dad

"No more beggars."
-Anthony (When his mother came to the door. He promptly shut it.)

"This reminds me of Footloose. I don't think we're supposed to dance like this in a town this small. We'll cause a riot."
"Well, tell mom, she's the one gettin' freaky out there."
-Marjaan, Anthony

"I've got to throw popcorn at those nuns. When will I get this chance again?"
-Anthony

"Ice cream, butterflies, and trees!"
"Cheese and crackers!"
"Johnny Depp and Dip 'n Dots!"
-Sam, Me, Marjaan

"The place with the waffles! Blank! Waffles! Blank! Waffles!"
-Marjaan

"Marjaan, are you dumb?"
"No, thanks for asking."
-Anthony, Marjaan

"Look at those cows. They are the luckiest cows. Look how happy they are with their perfect little field and the trees and the stream. I bet they make the tastiest milk. (Pause.) And hamburgers."
-Marjaan

"Oh, look, it's a deer! Taking a crap."
-Sam

"I wanna make fairy clothes out of forest stuff."
-Marjaan

"Is it two miles hiking or two miles driving?"
-Anthony

"Look! A laughing Chloe!"
-(Our replacement for "Babbling Brook." Long story.)

"I've got no strings to hold me down..."
"That's like, the bachelor anthem."
-Marjaan

"I hope that's not a leech."
"That would suck."
-Marjaan, Sam

"You look like Sacagawea, leading the way. A very lesbian Sacagawea."
-Me to Sam

"Why are you guys speaking Spanish in Japanese accents?"
-Me to Marjaan and Sam. (Some examples: "I am Jose Cuervo-San." "I am Yokiko Lopez. No me gusta.")

"I'm impressed with your evilness."
-Dad to Me

"Can we eat the fruits... of your loins?"
(Awkward pause.)
"You are the fruits of our loins."
(Raucous laughter.)
-Marjaan, Dad

"I like hookers."
-Sam

"If you die because of candy I'll be pissed."
-Marjaan

"Horsey! Horsey! Horsey, horsey--horsies! Ooh! Horsies!"
(Blank stares.)
"I was just pointing out the horses."
-Me

"I was just waiting for someone to say beaner."
-Marjaan

"I've never been so happy to see Denny's."
-Marjaan

"Yay, Denny's! We love you!"
-Sheila (If you knew her at all, you'd know this phrase should have never come out of her mouth.)

"I think those guys are better at doing breakfast than dinner."
(Long pause.)
"You didn't eat anything!"
-Marjaan, Sam

"If you came up to me and were like, 'With your permission, may I call you Paul?' I'd be like, 'Sure.'"
-Sam

"Look at my eyes! They're...they're sparkly!"
-Anthony

"You're too skinny to be awake. Go to sleep. Whither away down the hall to your bed."
-Marjaan

"You look very 'White Power' when you salute."
-Marjaan to Me

Happy Birthday, 'Merica.

"Pink could step on Meryl Streep's head and you'd still say she gets away with it."
-Dillion Barker to Bryce Kamryn

"Take off your pants for AMERica!"
-John

"It's called a potluck, not an, 'it's-not-open-so-I-can-take-it-home-luck!'"
-Rachel Vought

"Leggo my preggo."
-Rachel Vought

"They're blowing up the moon!"
-Some guy (about the fireworks.)

"Exploding sperm! It's here to impregnate the world! Cover your vaginas!"
-John

"It's a gay-rage. What do you call yours, a car-hole?"
-Jared Greathouse.

"I was explaining to the cat for a while because I got caught up in cat words."
-Sam McGinnis.

"You wanna suck the same marshmallow twice. It's a s'more. You burn it twice, it's a...s'more."
-Sam McGinnis

"Blame the whiskey--it doesn't get its feelings hurt."
-Jim Hardwick

"Do you wanna watch Beavis and Butthead?"
"Do you wanna watch Gilmore Girls?"
(Long pause.) "Well played."
-Jim Hardwick and I.

"Oh my god, I thought of the perfect Christmas present for you. I'm going to get you a bunch of tampons and paint them like penises."
-Jim Hardwick

"I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
"Why would you cry?"
"Because I had to yawn at the same time that I tried to laugh."
-Jim Hardwick and I.

"The afterlife is a luau with your friends."
-Jake Miskimins

"Andrea! When people are taking a drink, you save your quips for after!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Do you even know when a ninja is having sex with you?"
-Andrea Hanson

"I accidentally just got really close to you, I apologize."
-Andrea Hanson

"I just heard the words 'Johnny' and 'stupid.'"
-Johnny Call

"Why are you suddenly sideways?"
-Amanda Holliman

"Common sense should be a super power."
-Andrea Hanson

"Oh my god, I licked you for a while."
-Amanda Holliman

"You're not ticklish?"
"I've been touched too much."
-Me.

"Teletubbies is a cluster-fuck."
-I cannot remember.

"They could remake Baywatch with you."
-Andrea Hanson

"Is hookah legal?"
-Kijana

"When am I condescending?"
-Dillion Barker

"It's super weird that his keys are missing. ... I just want him to go get chicken nuggets."
-Me.

Oy Vey, Farshikkert

"I've always preferred clubs."
"I like spades myself."
"Well, that's the national past time, liking spades. That's why I like clubs. I root for the underdog."
-A conversation between Justin Bradley and myself.

"Well. The beer can talk all about being hardcore and the vanilla soda can talk about how everyone loves it."
-John Baker

"Does anyone have a cigar I can borrow? I'll get on my knees and smile like a doughnut."
-Robert Balkin

"He's not bisexual, he's dyslexic."
-Justin Bradley

"I didn't ask."
"Yeah, you were not asking very loudly."
-Tiffany Greathouse

He Said What Now?

"You're talking like you're in an emotional wheelchair."
-Jim Hardwick

"My crotch is burning with the fire of a thousand five layer burritos."
-Justin Bradley

"It's like there's disembodied goblins inside this chair."
-Justin Bradley

"I hate the phrase, 'agree to disagree.' It's just code for, 'shut the fuck up.'"
-Me

"I know how to find a dictionary, I just don't know what that word means."
-Greg Burbank (Masters in Library Sciences.)

"He's not dead, he's just Hispanic."
-Justin Bradley

"I'll lick anything with chocolate on it."
-Bryce Kamryn

"That awkward moment when someone says they don't like your cat...and then you realize that you don't like THEM anymore."
-Me

"I've never looked up at a hot air balloon and thought, 'Gee, I wish I was in there.'"
-Me

"I had sex with people that bit me and I'm pretty sure they were werewolves, so we'll see if I turn into a sloth tonight."
-Bryce Kamryn

Party On, Wayne

"Smiling with their teeeeeeeeeeth."
-Justin Bradley

"Speaking of Black people, I have a racist dick."
-Dillion Barker

"Basically the only person I like is Voldemort."
-Dillion Barker

"All White people look the same."
-Fe

"Oh my god your ass makes cymbal noises. I don't want to freak you out--it does."
-Justin Bradley

"You threw some pants, you don't have to go on a run today."
-Some girl to her boyfriend.

"I'm very particular about my ice cream. I want it icy. And creamy. ... And that's about it."
-Taylor Lawrence

"I need to use my bigger spoon. I don't want to starve while I'm eating."
-Taylor Lawrence

"All I see when I look at a bagel is bread that has smoked a lot of pot."
-Jim Hardwick

"Will there be toast in Vegas, do you think?"
-Justin Bradley

"Maybe it's coordinates to a treasure. Or a sex dungeon."
-Justin Bradley

"He's too ethnic for that look. Makes him look like a genie."
"My mother was a genie. Bastard."
-Me, Dillion Barker

"I want vodka to get me pregnant."
-Justin Bradley

"I prefer the horizontal polka myself."
"That's because you prefer older men."
-Me, Justin Bradley

"Bugs Bunny is the reason I'm gay."
-Justin Bradley

"You seem to be suffering under the delusion that I have low self-esteem. I don't. I fucking love myself. I want a clone of me so I can fuck it."
-bryce Kamryn

"It's been taken away from you. You've lost your pot privileges."
-Me

"You guys are doing, like, mating rituals of strange animals."
-Dillion Barker

"I think it's because I put glasses on. He's more confident in my sexual prowess."
-Justin Bradley

"I'm like, touching your face but it's the other one."
-Bryce Kamryn

Gems From Vegas 2012 Spring Trip

"I would watch this mimosa strip."
-Bryce Kamryn

"I think my clothes grew while I was here."
"I think they just scattered."
"I think they got horny."
-Bryce Kamryn, Dillion Barker

"Did I just think that Ted Bundy was cute? Did that just happen?"

"My tits. Don't. Move."

"It's so Luxorious."
-Greg Burbank

"It feels like there is an uncooked can of soup in my foot and that is what I am walking on."
-Justin Braadley

"Does anyone else feel the room moving?"
-Jason Bunker

"You sleep better on a pressed pillowcase. You just do, ok? I'm gay, I'm allowed to say things like that. Ball-sack."
-Dillion Barker

"There's a difference between sweet and having one of the members of the lollipop guild ejaculate in your mouth."
-Me.

"I need to take a bath. If I get gassy will you just pretend that the jets will come on for a split second?"
-Justin Bradley

"Why are you in the tub?"
"Because I'm pretending it's a uterus. I thought I'd be reborn today. Now carry me down the strip."
-Justin Bradley

"I feel like I'm coming out a birth canal."
-Me

"I'll help you up."
"No, I meant in. In...dividual."
-Jason Bunker

"This isn't a sorry ass."
-Jason Bunker

"He won't get off the floor until we toast in every language."
-Justin Bradley (about Jason Bunker)

"Prince is a guy. Princess are girl."
-Jason Bunker

"That is a blessing."
"What is?"
"Peeing. Not everyone can pee."
-Jason Bunker

"It's like a roller coaster ride!"
-Jason Bunker (as Justin dragged him across the floor.)

"Cheers to tuna fish. ... I hate tuna fish. Cheers to Japanese mayonnaise."
-Jason Bunker

"I will drink it. Because kids in Africa would die to have this."
-Jason Bunker

"What a waste of eye humping."
-Justin Bradley (upon learning that Penelope Cruz was a woman.)

"If I throw up here, I'm going to kill myself."
"That's...a slight overreaction."
-Bryce Kamryn, Justin Bradley

"I don't eat salad. That's what food eats."
-Justin Bradley

"I'm waiting for the porn commercial to come back."
-Greg Burbank

"Ew, stop with the toe-fucking."
-Justin Bradley

"We're in the Luxor, we should do something Egyptian."
"Well, I'm texting Sphinx."
-Dillion Barker, Me

"I am SO Vegas-popular right now."
-Justin Bradley

"Don't make jokes, Elise. Not about television."
-Greg Burbank

"Is this what the Hulk's penis looks like?"
-Greg Burbank

"Oh my god. There's a penis next to my ear."
-Any of us at one point or another

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Is happening right here.
-Dillion Barker

"I just want to beat you every time I see you. There's that Elise. Why do I feel a sudden rage?"
-Greg Burbank

"I don't usually miss."
-Me (On peeing.)

"Roofies are fine as long as there's sex involved."
-Bryce Kamryn

"You're supposed to catch it, not suck it."
-Dillion Barker

"It's a laptop, it's meant to be flung."
-Dillion Barker

"Who wants to go to freaky fetish night? They will whip you and not in the good way."
-Dillion Barker

"They will take off your clothes and replace them with press on nails. They will eat Indian food out of your navel."
-Justin Bradley

"What holiday does your underwear represent? Hmmm.... Rosh hashanah."
-Justin Bradley

"Jasoooooooooon! Get drunk, motherfucker!"
-Justin Bradley

"What's that underwear made of? Paint? Put it on, then come out and do a twirl!"
-Justin Bradley

"What? I don't speak toothbrush."
-Greg Burbank

Birthday Party

"That Jewish boy makes terrible drinks."
--Dillion Barker

"After I have brunch with the queen...which is what I call my morning poop."
--Justin Bradley

Catching Up...

"Fuck those guys growing corn! I wanna go to the moon!"
-Jim Hardwick

"Ow, I hit my zit."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Girls poop butterflies, I fart campfire."
-Jim Hardwick

"Mmm. Cheese boobs."
-Jim Hardwick

"Maybe my brains will squish out and you'll feel sorry you said no."
-Bryce Kamryn

"My fry senses were fuckin' tingling."
-Bryce Kamryn

"If you were a chicken, I'd eat you because you'd be the best-tasting chicken ever."
-Bryce Kamryn

"I could have had high tea on your breasts last night."
-Bryce Kamryn

"I think Donald Trump ejaculates cash."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Say the alphabet and leave out g, baby."
-Kristen Nelson

"This is really good vaginal energy we've got going here."
-Justin Bradley

"Eastgate at Grey Hawk." (Said in a stuffy British accent.)
-Justin Bradley

"Those Koreans! Those dang Koreans!"
-Mark Stoddard

"I'm holding your hand so you won't touch other parts of my body."
-Me

"This looks like the Eye of Sauron, which reminds me of that fat guy's penis."
-Bryce Kamryn

"I wasn't talking to myself, I was just verbally thinking to myself."
-Jim Hardwick

"You two gonna keep playing lesbians with the two-by-fours when there are darts around? Respect the darts!"
-Jim Hardwick

"I hope you two are sober enough to call 911, or at least the ambulance."
-Jim Hardwick

"It came out of nowhere. I was thinking about pictures and carrots."
-Jim Hardwick

"Tasty tasty rum soup."
-Jim Hardwick

"I didn't expect it to be television worthy. Jerk."
-Jim Hardwick

"Water is the elixir of the gods. Like, for real."
-Some Random Dude At a Party

"I'm 37 feet away from myself."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Make an espresso float!"
-Amanda Holliman

"He kept saying, 'Are you comfortable? I just want to make sure you're comfortable.' And so I ripped off my clothes and said, 'I'M COMFORTABLE!'"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Hank, Hank Jr., Hank Jr. Jr. Leslie."
-Taylor Lawrence

(On "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson) "I'm going to turn that song into an anthem for my failing prostate.
-Jim Hardwick

"I'm going to take that study, and DRINK."
-Jim Hardwick