That's What She...He...Who? Said.

"I just saw. I looked. With my eyes."

"I'm so excited for chicken nuggets I'm gonna cry!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Sugar! Sugar, sugar, coconut sugar! Sugar, coconut, prune, sugar! Sugar, prune, sugar coconut, SUGAR!"
-Me

"It's like business in the front, tired in the back."

"Wait! I have a solution to all of your problems! Calvin Klein is the dick whisperer!"

"Having testicles is a losing battle."
-Justin Bradley

"And then I saw handfuls of glitter pouring off my penis and I thought, oh god--that's me. Glitter is like the Herpes of craft supplies."
-Justin Bradley

"I feel like passing out. Or killing a hobo with a shovel. It's a very mixed emotion."
-Justin Bradley

"I feel like Professor Trelawny turned into Hermione."
-Spenst Hansen

"He made the sex with her. In the vag. With his penis. It's like an R rated version of Clue."
-Kristina Stone

"I don't know what it was so small. It was sad and hurt and scared."
-Spenst Hansen

"Your friends will say, 'Is that a joint?' 'No, it's a cat tampon.'"
-Spenst Hansen

"Why are you taking my clothes off?"
"You don't need them."
-Andrea, Bryce

"I feel like Elvis should sing this."
"I feel like he's dead."

"I just ate a pterodactyl."

"Don't mock me for the use of proper terminology. Poohead."
-Jim Hardwick

"I look like a leper."
"No you don't. Lepers look much worse."
-Me, Jim Hardwick

"Shut the fuck up and bring me my goddamn spinach dip!"
-Jesse Curran

"My new diet is don't eat the cookie."
"That sounds like a horror movie."
-Me, Jim Richards

"I was not aware of the bears, I guess."

"Ah, sex toys. They've saved more marriages than couple's therapy."
-Johnny Call

"Baby mermaids grow fast because they fart and then...phew..."
-Johnny Call

"This Altoid tastes like mermaid placenta."

"I need to go hide in someone."
-Andrea Hanson

"It's called a clitoris. Not the shoot button on your video game. Calm the fuck down."
-Taylor Lawrence

"I don't want anything that involves elbows or suspicious glances."
-Alisa Rodgers

"I'm gonna go where the darkness appreciates me."
-Bryce Kamryn

"I can be your cleavage gay!"
-Christopher Rose

"You two go together like a mostly nude Vaudevillian act."
-Justin Bradley

"Note: sex on tile doesn't work. But I want your babies!"
-Christopher Rose

"Fuck an apple empanada."
"But those are FOREIGN."
-Andrea, Greg Burbank

"My pillow is wet. MY PILLOW IS WET!"
-Stoned Greg

"God. God. God DAMMIT."
-Stoned Greg

"DOES HE KNOW?? Who? Who? WHO?"
-Stoned Greg (We still don't know who he was talking about.)

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING."
-Stoned Greg

"

Some Familial Gems

"I don't think my face could get any drier without being packaged for beef jerky."
-Leslie Hanson

"They say that Terriers need mind puzzles to learn. But I found that he had trouble with anything over 12 pieces."
-Hugh Hanson

"Aw. You smell like a sewer."
-Mia Hanson

"I like redundancy myself. Especially in fires. ... I don't know what that means."
-Leslie Hanson

"Is there more wood for this?"
-Leslie Hanson

"Refuse, rebel, reject."
-Joel Hanson (His response to 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.')

"I'm pretty sure I don't have to do anything you say because I'm handsome."
-Greyson Hanson

"That marshmallow is arousing me a little bit."
-Hugh Hanson

"I am not a cat. This is awkward."
-Greyson Hanson

Rubbing Up Against The Perineum Doesn't Count As Losing Your Virginity.

"They'd start fighting about god. Or sweaters."
-Dillion Barker

"Can we dump wine on Hermione?"
"Why?"
"To make her slimy."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Like, everything's numb. Am I dying?"
-Christopher Rose

"Will you tell him I'm not gonna puke?"
-Christopher Rose

"That thing was amazing. I was like...floating and shit. Wooooooooooaah!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Drink more, for tomorrow we die."
"Of alcohol poisoning."
-Jim Hardwick, Me

"She's having a pressing peristalsis poop predicament."
-Andrea Hanson

"And they never pooped again."
-Andrea Hanson

"I'm bad with Spanish and girl stuff."
-Jim Hardwick

"You know what we don't have? A little turquoise swimming pool. ... I'm sorry about that."
-My mom. (Obviously not druOh,nk talk. But still funny.)

"I'm not head butting you, I'm top heading you."
-Jim Hardwick

"Where does rain come from?"
-Jim Hardwick

"Your vibrato sounds like the pounding in my head."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Who doesn't like someone growling when they're naked?"
-Jesse Curran

"I look like a monkey having a seizure."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Penises are different colors? That's a thing?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"This boy is not delicious."
-Hermione

"This one time I had a nap. ... Badumbump."
-Greg Burbank

"I had to go to a bunny funeral. It was the most touching bunny funeral service I have ever seen."
-Dillion Barker

"Sometimes I pretend that I'm Dumbo. I hold a feather in my trunk and say, 'Please, Jesus, let me fly.' And then I meet Tinkerbell."
-Dillion Barker

"I wasn't raising my hand, I was dancing."
-Corey Wilkey

"Oh, your biggest turn-off is drama? Funny, my biggest turn-off is boring."
-Justin Bradley

"So-I have a question for you, and this is the vodka talking: what the hell?"
-Justin Bradley

"When did we become so socially out of demand?"
-Justin Bradley

"Patrick Stewart and I were trapped in a metal room. He had a light saber."
-Jim Hardwick

"She looked at me with those, 'I'm gonna shit on your carpet' eyes."
-Jim Hardwick

"That's gotta be, at least, the grand canyon of cleavage."
-Jim Hardwick

"I thought I could spell. Shit. I should just end it all now."
-Jim Hardwick

"Why do I always have to pee in weird locations? Like the roof."
-Jim Hardwick