Better Living Through Awesome Family Vacations (Strangely Enough, None Of These Were Alcohol Induced.)

"Sometimes I wish I had a little Chinese house servant to bring me things when I forget them."
-Marjaan

"Screamo always makes me feel like I need to poop."
-Marjaan

"Everyone knows that lesbian men have much higher voices than non-lesbian men."
-Marjaan

"You may have a problem if you choose Smarties over lunch."
-Marjaan (to Sheila)

"Not everyone can say they've peed in England. But we can. We've peed in England."
-Marjaan

"They were rattlesnakes. These are garter snakes. They're for vegetarian snake eaters."
-Marjaan

"My goal is to catch a snake sometime on this trip and kiss its forehead."
-Anthony

"That's ok, you can eat it!"
"I haven't bitten it yet!"
-Sam, Sheila. (Explanation: Sheila had food in her mouth that she didn't know Sam wanted, and was prepared to spit it out and feed it to Sam, mama bird to baby bird.)

"If I were a turkey on a dating site, I wouldn't want a face shot up there. I'd just flash my breast."
-Dad

"You flung your booger at me!"
-Anthony

"I missed your daydream. Sorry I didn't see that. I guess I just had a virtual noggin smack."
-Sheila

"Visitor Center!"
"Potty!"
-Sam, Marjaan

"Usually Visitor's Centers are a veritable cornucopia of information."
"I rather enjoyed that sentence."
"I can't do many things, but I sure can form a sentence."
-Me, Sam, Me

"That goat is giving birth to a tv. Or farting a radio."
-Dad's interpretation of an ancient petroglyph

"Shay, there's a crazy person up there!"
-Some random tourist lady on a mountain. About Anthony.

"I feel like a rock orphan."
-Marjaan

"Those must be vegetarian hawks."
"Why?"
"They're circling the crops."
-Dad

"No more beggars."
-Anthony (When his mother came to the door. He promptly shut it.)

"This reminds me of Footloose. I don't think we're supposed to dance like this in a town this small. We'll cause a riot."
"Well, tell mom, she's the one gettin' freaky out there."
-Marjaan, Anthony

"I've got to throw popcorn at those nuns. When will I get this chance again?"
-Anthony

"Ice cream, butterflies, and trees!"
"Cheese and crackers!"
"Johnny Depp and Dip 'n Dots!"
-Sam, Me, Marjaan

"The place with the waffles! Blank! Waffles! Blank! Waffles!"
-Marjaan

"Marjaan, are you dumb?"
"No, thanks for asking."
-Anthony, Marjaan

"Look at those cows. They are the luckiest cows. Look how happy they are with their perfect little field and the trees and the stream. I bet they make the tastiest milk. (Pause.) And hamburgers."
-Marjaan

"Oh, look, it's a deer! Taking a crap."
-Sam

"I wanna make fairy clothes out of forest stuff."
-Marjaan

"Is it two miles hiking or two miles driving?"
-Anthony

"Look! A laughing Chloe!"
-(Our replacement for "Babbling Brook." Long story.)

"I've got no strings to hold me down..."
"That's like, the bachelor anthem."
-Marjaan

"I hope that's not a leech."
"That would suck."
-Marjaan, Sam

"You look like Sacagawea, leading the way. A very lesbian Sacagawea."
-Me to Sam

"Why are you guys speaking Spanish in Japanese accents?"
-Me to Marjaan and Sam. (Some examples: "I am Jose Cuervo-San." "I am Yokiko Lopez. No me gusta.")

"I'm impressed with your evilness."
-Dad to Me

"Can we eat the fruits... of your loins?"
(Awkward pause.)
"You are the fruits of our loins."
(Raucous laughter.)
-Marjaan, Dad

"I like hookers."
-Sam

"If you die because of candy I'll be pissed."
-Marjaan

"Horsey! Horsey! Horsey, horsey--horsies! Ooh! Horsies!"
(Blank stares.)
"I was just pointing out the horses."
-Me

"I was just waiting for someone to say beaner."
-Marjaan

"I've never been so happy to see Denny's."
-Marjaan

"Yay, Denny's! We love you!"
-Sheila (If you knew her at all, you'd know this phrase should have never come out of her mouth.)

"I think those guys are better at doing breakfast than dinner."
(Long pause.)
"You didn't eat anything!"
-Marjaan, Sam

"If you came up to me and were like, 'With your permission, may I call you Paul?' I'd be like, 'Sure.'"
-Sam

"Look at my eyes! They're...they're sparkly!"
-Anthony

"You're too skinny to be awake. Go to sleep. Whither away down the hall to your bed."
-Marjaan

"You look very 'White Power' when you salute."
-Marjaan to Me

Happy Birthday, 'Merica.

"Pink could step on Meryl Streep's head and you'd still say she gets away with it."
-Dillion Barker to Bryce Kamryn

"Take off your pants for AMERica!"
-John

"It's called a potluck, not an, 'it's-not-open-so-I-can-take-it-home-luck!'"
-Rachel Vought

"Leggo my preggo."
-Rachel Vought

"They're blowing up the moon!"
-Some guy (about the fireworks.)

"Exploding sperm! It's here to impregnate the world! Cover your vaginas!"
-John

"It's a gay-rage. What do you call yours, a car-hole?"
-Jared Greathouse.

"I was explaining to the cat for a while because I got caught up in cat words."
-Sam McGinnis.

"You wanna suck the same marshmallow twice. It's a s'more. You burn it twice, it's a...s'more."
-Sam McGinnis

"Blame the whiskey--it doesn't get its feelings hurt."
-Jim Hardwick

"Do you wanna watch Beavis and Butthead?"
"Do you wanna watch Gilmore Girls?"
(Long pause.) "Well played."
-Jim Hardwick and I.

"Oh my god, I thought of the perfect Christmas present for you. I'm going to get you a bunch of tampons and paint them like penises."
-Jim Hardwick

"I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
"Why would you cry?"
"Because I had to yawn at the same time that I tried to laugh."
-Jim Hardwick and I.

"The afterlife is a luau with your friends."
-Jake Miskimins

"Andrea! When people are taking a drink, you save your quips for after!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Do you even know when a ninja is having sex with you?"
-Andrea Hanson

"I accidentally just got really close to you, I apologize."
-Andrea Hanson

"I just heard the words 'Johnny' and 'stupid.'"
-Johnny Call

"Why are you suddenly sideways?"
-Amanda Holliman

"Common sense should be a super power."
-Andrea Hanson

"Oh my god, I licked you for a while."
-Amanda Holliman

"You're not ticklish?"
"I've been touched too much."
-Me.

"Teletubbies is a cluster-fuck."
-I cannot remember.

"They could remake Baywatch with you."
-Andrea Hanson

"Is hookah legal?"
-Kijana

"When am I condescending?"
-Dillion Barker

"It's super weird that his keys are missing. ... I just want him to go get chicken nuggets."
-Me.