"My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village."
-Justin
"Mister 'I'm at the Pleasure Pit while my wife is at the Earl of Sandwich.'"
-Justin
"I just don't want to hear it! I'm hungry."
-Justin
"Just drink around it."
-Latoya
"Don't be on the fence about your hairdo. Commit, dammit!"
-Me
"It's just a comforting thought that women can have children and still have a rockin' bod. The discouraging thing is that one might have to take up something horrific like volleyball in order to achieve this. Makes one not want to procreate"
-Me
"If I was in Tiffany I'd be drooling, too. If she was hot."
-Mark
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Observations About Dancing In Clubs
If a cute Black man FROM NIGERIA asks for your number, give it. More important, if he wants to kiss you LET HIM.
When your girlfriend is drunk and starts dancing with some really homely folk, you have two choices: rescue her, or point and laugh. Guess which one I usually go for.
The reason you go in odd numbers is so if two of you are dancing and one isn't, the one who isn't can act as a safety net if Handsy McGroperson is getting a little too creepy.
Just because I made out with your friend does not mean I am making out WITH YOU.
Guys: this is important for both dancing and sex. If the girl is moving her knees and hips, you don't. If she is leaning forward, dropping it like it's hot, you don't do it too. This kind of behavior just makes everyone tired.
Note: In general, it's the girl's job to do most of the movement, and the guy's to be the support. This, however, does not necessarily apply to sex.
If a Black woman compliments you on your dancing, that is probably the highest praise you have ever or will ever receive.
Sometimes, us girls are just there to dance. So dance.
One dance is usually enough. We know what's going on in your pants is bothersome and you would like for us to keep rubbin' our asses all up in that, but after about two dances, no matter how cute you are, we are getting tired and you are getting clingy.
Gym shorts lead to embarrassing situations. Avoid if possible.
Guys and Girls: Learn some Latin dance steps. It will help you in your overall routine. Also, if you only have one move, even if it's a good one, don't just keep doing it over and over. You become pitiable after two hours.
Sometimes kissing a complete and total stranger can be a fun distraction. Just make sure you look at their face first.
People tend to make things up in their heads sometimes when they're dancing. Men especially have the tendency to fantasize. So when you text us later wondering why we're not at your house watching a movie and having an orgy, we're probably laughing at you with puzzled expressions on our faces.
Specifying an event as a "dance" is helpful; it means that people might actually dance! Fancy that!
Sometimes the most fun you can have is just letting the crowd jostle you, staring at the ceiling with one hand flying free, forgetting whatever it was that happened today, yesterday, this week. That's the main reason I go to clubs. Not to hook up, not to see how many guys will dance with me, though those are fun too--but to really let loose in an environment that supports that kind of behavior.
I need to get out more.
When your girlfriend is drunk and starts dancing with some really homely folk, you have two choices: rescue her, or point and laugh. Guess which one I usually go for.
The reason you go in odd numbers is so if two of you are dancing and one isn't, the one who isn't can act as a safety net if Handsy McGroperson is getting a little too creepy.
Just because I made out with your friend does not mean I am making out WITH YOU.
Guys: this is important for both dancing and sex. If the girl is moving her knees and hips, you don't. If she is leaning forward, dropping it like it's hot, you don't do it too. This kind of behavior just makes everyone tired.
Note: In general, it's the girl's job to do most of the movement, and the guy's to be the support. This, however, does not necessarily apply to sex.
If a Black woman compliments you on your dancing, that is probably the highest praise you have ever or will ever receive.
Sometimes, us girls are just there to dance. So dance.
One dance is usually enough. We know what's going on in your pants is bothersome and you would like for us to keep rubbin' our asses all up in that, but after about two dances, no matter how cute you are, we are getting tired and you are getting clingy.
Gym shorts lead to embarrassing situations. Avoid if possible.
Guys and Girls: Learn some Latin dance steps. It will help you in your overall routine. Also, if you only have one move, even if it's a good one, don't just keep doing it over and over. You become pitiable after two hours.
Sometimes kissing a complete and total stranger can be a fun distraction. Just make sure you look at their face first.
People tend to make things up in their heads sometimes when they're dancing. Men especially have the tendency to fantasize. So when you text us later wondering why we're not at your house watching a movie and having an orgy, we're probably laughing at you with puzzled expressions on our faces.
Specifying an event as a "dance" is helpful; it means that people might actually dance! Fancy that!
Sometimes the most fun you can have is just letting the crowd jostle you, staring at the ceiling with one hand flying free, forgetting whatever it was that happened today, yesterday, this week. That's the main reason I go to clubs. Not to hook up, not to see how many guys will dance with me, though those are fun too--but to really let loose in an environment that supports that kind of behavior.
I need to get out more.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Quote Of The Day
"At some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle."
-Rachel via "Texts From Last Night."
-Rachel via "Texts From Last Night."
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Karaoke Wednesdays.
"I was going to talk but then I coughed."
-Anthony
(Upon hearing someone sing "Piano Man" by Billy Joel.) "Oh my God, it's the Beatles! Yay!"
-Some drunk chick in a Catwoman costume.
"You taste like vagina."
-Justin (Upon kissing me.)
"People are bitches."
-Babs
-Anthony
(Upon hearing someone sing "Piano Man" by Billy Joel.) "Oh my God, it's the Beatles! Yay!"
-Some drunk chick in a Catwoman costume.
"You taste like vagina."
-Justin (Upon kissing me.)
"People are bitches."
-Babs
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wine, One Woman, and Bad Movies
"Children are just abortions who eat."
-Justin
"I had a dream that I had to hide Jake Miskimin's erection."
-Justin
"You're the only woman here that's poppin'. You're like, 'Blam! I'm in red!'"
-Cesar (About me, of course.)
"I could have saved you in my les-mobile!"
-Me
"This is pretty. Who is this pretty?"
-Me (About some gay guy.)
"It's the snowing?"
-Kestin
"You have crazy eyes."
-Me. (To some crack head.)
-Justin
"I had a dream that I had to hide Jake Miskimin's erection."
-Justin
"You're the only woman here that's poppin'. You're like, 'Blam! I'm in red!'"
-Cesar (About me, of course.)
"I could have saved you in my les-mobile!"
-Me
"This is pretty. Who is this pretty?"
-Me (About some gay guy.)
"It's the snowing?"
-Kestin
"You have crazy eyes."
-Me. (To some crack head.)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
On How To Be A "Nice" Guy
"I won't hit a girl, but I'll shoulder-check the shit out of her."
-Patrick.
-Patrick.
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Collection Of Mitch.
"Guys, get out of my way. I've been needing to pee for like...15 minutes, and it's not getting any better."
"Dude. That's a bad habit. Droppin' one off and then you're like, 'See you later.' And then you find a turd three hours later....Now THAT'S a reason to get upset."
"My asshole stinks in a bad way. Except when I'm fresh out of the shower. But you know that, Jesse."
"I HAVE a giant knife."
"No, it's not me. I'm not talking."
"I think I broke it. So my story is I fell down the stairs and it broke off. I just hope it doesn't blow up."
"He's 25, she's 29. She calls him 'Young Dude.' I don't even know what his fucking name is."
ME: "It's you!"
MITCH: "It's me. Good thing you didn't say that to another person or they might have mistaken themselves for someone else."
-Mitch.
"Dude. That's a bad habit. Droppin' one off and then you're like, 'See you later.' And then you find a turd three hours later....Now THAT'S a reason to get upset."
"My asshole stinks in a bad way. Except when I'm fresh out of the shower. But you know that, Jesse."
"I HAVE a giant knife."
"No, it's not me. I'm not talking."
"I think I broke it. So my story is I fell down the stairs and it broke off. I just hope it doesn't blow up."
"He's 25, she's 29. She calls him 'Young Dude.' I don't even know what his fucking name is."
ME: "It's you!"
MITCH: "It's me. Good thing you didn't say that to another person or they might have mistaken themselves for someone else."
-Mitch.
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