I Cook With Wine; Sometimes I Even Add It To The Food

"You're funny. My shoulder was involved with your forehead. They were intimate."
-Samantha

"Does Amazon hate Apple? I think that's what's going on here."
-Jim

"Enjoy your Chinese food, because I have not had a boner in a while."
-Jesse

"Why is it that the movies credit every little person that helps with the film, but when people get a double bypass, my name isn't included on the x-ray?"
-Jim

"Why can't I be 'Lieutenant Commander Software Engineer Jim?'"
-Jim

"Ohhhhh! 'Ovulation' is the opposite of 'menstruation' because 'men' don't understand the 'obv'ious. I get it now!"
-Jim

"It's not that I don't like penises, it's just that I only love my own."
-Jim

"Jews don't have webbed toes. Just big noses."
-Jim

"Stop that thinking!"
"Then what would separate me from the apes?"
"There's no need to call me names."
-Jim, Me

"Don't you DARE talk back to me about draperies!"
-Justin

"If I'm going to go down there, your taint had better not stink."
-Taylor

"Don't give me sexy thoughts in the kitchen."
-Sean

"How does snuggle happen?"
-Dain

"Goodbye, Mr. Cheese."
-Samantha to Dain

"Cherry-Almond, Almond-Cherry. Order matters not."
-Jim

I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

"Be quiet, John Williams, I'm trying to look up other music! My life doesn't revolve around you, you know."
-Justin

"I blew him off enough times for him to be like, 'You blew me off.'"
-Me

"There's a reason you look like a Disney Prince--you look like a cartoon character."
"I'm just a drawing of my former self."
-Me, Jim

"Some people enjoy that. Some people munch."
-Jesse

"This is a really good bottle of wine. It makes me forget how much cork I swallowed from my first bottle."
-Greg

"You know you're drunk when your work shoes feel comfortable."
-Jim

"Anybody who does a Willow quote is ok in my book."
-Jesse

"If I sat down with my past self and tried to talk politics and religion, I'd probably need to find the nearest wall and slam my head against it."
-Me

"They're rich as FUCK."
-Justin

If Life Deals You Lemons, Try To Find Someone Whose Life Has Dealt Them Vodka, And Have A Party.

"Don't touch me, don't touch me! ... I hate men right now."
-Justin Bradley

"Oh, don't be sad. You'll have a blastoballsuperhappyfuntimepartyexpressgagawetrocket!"
-Eric Leckman

"I think humans only burn three colors."
-Sheila Hanson

(Sung to the tune of "Simple Gifts"): "'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be algae, 'tis a gift to be stuck to this rock, you see!"
-Marjaan Alzayyat

"You're not supposed to operate heavy machinery like buoyant rubber tubes while under the influence."
-Anthony Alzayyat to his mother. (She had fallen off a tube while trying to ferry herself across the lake at night. Twice. While drunk.)

"It's getting so anybody can talk about celery."
-Marjaan Alzayyat

"Maybe that's just the Palestinian way, they just have to do things in a way that might blow up."
-Sheila Hanson

"I'm afraid of the paffy! They're in the laborhood!"
-Jesse Curran

"I have trouble closing things."
-Me

Just Because You've Got Little Boobs Doesn't Mean You're Classy

"Mornings when I catch sunrise due to not being able to sleep are like having a stranger offer me cake. I know I should be concerned, but all I think is 'CAAAAAAAAKE!'"
-Eric

"You liked my twat."
-Caleb (To Jake)

"My vagina speaks Klingon."
-Jake

"I'm just blowing on these gay guys."
-Jake

"Let's father a fake baby!"
-Jake

"Speaking of vaginas..."
-Me

"He's really good with his hands. He's a professional cellist. I came. Really hard. Like a baby gorilla."
-Me

"Three shakes equals a whack."
-Carl

"Fuck me in the asshole!"
"Here." (Hands over a big black magic marker.)
-Carleton, Sauna

"You need a codpiece."
"I have white duct tape!"
-Me to Jake

"Poop on paper."
-Andrea

"Because you don't have a Cobra Command Symbol, that's why!"
-Jen

"Heeeeeee would be a very understanding dad."
-Emily

"'The Girl Who Humped Her Friend To Death: The Alisa Rodgers Story.'"
"It was THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER!"
-Amdrea, Alisa

"Everything itches! It's an itchy back circus!"
-Me

"I'm going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?"

"People McNuggets!"
-Marjaan

"Looks like we're on the same brave length."
"Is that like a courage quotient?"
-Marjaan, My dad.

"What's the old saying? Don't fuckin' touch a fuckin' sleeping baby. Or you'll fuck yourself over. I think that's in Leviticus."
-Andrea

"I got awarded Most Improved Student two years running."
-Jared Greathouse

"I thought you were dancing with me."
"I was. That's how I get to the fridge."
-Tiffany, Jared

"In what town did The Witches of Eastwick take place?"
"......Eastwick."
-Trivia Game, Me.

"Who cares if you're temple worthy? All that matters is if you're gin worthy."

"It's a bogus threat. Gay people don't commit crime. Other than smoking pot. And sodomy."
-Jim

"I was looking at your piercing and I thought I had one."
-Russell

"Why would you say snail? Who thinks about snails?"
-Russell

"I've gotta go bowling. That's the funnest. No. Too much moving."
-Bryce

"I can't read right now, you guys. I just read, 'Navajo Boyfriend Taco.'"
-Russell

If You Die In An Elevator, Be Sure To Push The Up Button

"I am full of hashbrowns and other fatty foods and I am angry."
-Kristen

"I love balls."
-Kristina

"He could blow me with that hair."
-John (about Adam)

"I have a very cute freckle that I don't want my nostrils hiding."
-Bryce

"What kind of sex can you have while you're also throwing someone's backpack into the living room?"
-Me

"I was wiping my face free of cat hair. ... I was just making out with my cat. Leave me alone!"
-Me

"I may or may probably am drunk."
-Bryce

"Let's take a hostage! We don't have jobs. That's what the unemployed do, right?"
-Bryce

"Don't you always want a hamburger?"
-Bryce

"Not everybody's responsible enough for coffee, Evelyn."
-B

"Looks like Jamie Foxx did a better Ray Charles than Ray Charles himself."
-B

"WIth great power comes great... Sex."
-Jim Hardwick

"I know what I know. I know some things I don't know. Those are the known unknowns. Then there are the unknown unknowns. I don't know those."
-Jim Hardwick

Trying is the first step toward sucking.

"Let's watch a sad movie and pretend we're crying about the movie."
-Bryce

"I don't have to do anything. I am an Arab woman, the freest person in the world."
-Bryce

"You are like a straight man tonight!"
-Bryce to Greg

"I don't like boys, I like Netflix."
-Bryce

"I love your penis and I'm baking you lasagna."
-Greg's advice on what to say to a guy you're in love with to make him like you.

"I've never had a tea party that didn't turn into an orgy."
-Kyle

"God. That giant spider creature that took credit for making everything."
-Jim

"I am the savior of this pancake."
-Bryce

"You're significantly less adorable than a gerbil."
-Kristen

"Is it possible to have sex with a voice?"
-Kristen

"When you're done proposing, here's your beer ticket."
-Ducky

"Can you say Gimlet without smiling? Because I can't."
-Bryce

"If I could have sex with a sound, it would be this one."
-Bryce

"I must have Freud's approval for all my children's names."
-Bryce

"I like my pancakes like I like my penises and that's NOT four inches."
-Bryce

"Isn't leg strength fascinating?"
-Cami

"I don't have my eyeliner on! No toasts!"
-Bryce

"Death to all women! (Pause) I have decided that my New Year's resolution is to be a misogynist from now on."
-Bryce

"Back when maids used to be Irish instead of Mexican."
-Me

"Excuse me I have to go masturbate about something that's not this."
-Justin