She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

"Tea bag me, your highness!"
-Samantha W.

"You can't walk away from me, I'm jacking you off!"
-Samantha W.

"I'm gonna punch you in the face with my vagina."
-Samantha W.

"Tongue-slap my bung hole."
-Anthony

"That's the second-cutest thing I've ever seen you do."
"What was the first?"
"When you accidentally showed me your gooch."
"Your life is great..."
-Anthony and Samantha W.

"Anthony's life is an interpretive dance poem."
-Samantha W.

"I just burped French."
-Samantha W.

"My house is the opposite of rehab. We should just call it hab."
-Jim

"It's a hard knock life for Jim. All the world is against him! He ain't got no soda pop so he's got to drink some gin. It's a hard knock life."
-Me

"Don't hide your cock under a bushel."
"Or do."
-Jim, Me

"I just want to see someone cry because their nose is being picked."

"Tequiero means I love you, right?"
"It sounds like tacos, so I say yes!"
-Me, Greg

"Beauty is in the eye of the boob-holder."

"There are nerds in my crotch."
-Me

"Touch my hand while we're talking about family."

"I had a Long Island. It is gone now."
"Is it the long-lost island?"

"I just googled 'skin ugly people.' Oops."
-Kristen

"Can you imagine the sex? ...I think I just burped hot dog."

"Because who can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves?"

This Post Is Pending Approval

"We're all pastafarians. It's just that some of us haven't been taught the truth yet."
-Jim Hardwick

"Why are you pushing the table away?"
"Sometimes I need both hands to dance with."
-Jim, Me

"I've got too much to do. Like...stuff."
-Jim Hardwick

"I have a minor..a mild ... No, that's the wrong word. (Pause) you know I have a mild fondness for monster energy drinks."
-Jim Hardwick

"I think it's clear you're not sitting down because of where the ceiling is."
-Me

"I'm Eleanor Dashwood, which means I'm Emma Thompson, which means I get to marry Hugh Grant, but isn't he older? Doesn't he have a son? Can I substitute another Hugh? Hugh Dancy! I'll have Hugh Dancy!"
-Gregory Burbank

"I think I just did a magic trick on myself."
-Me

"I didn't catch any of that because I was thinking about cheese."
-Jim Hardwick

"Anything you can do I can do half-assed."
-Geoff Smith

"There's magic in Callando, but I wanna watch what I wanna watch."

"I hear this voice in my head of a teenage vampire, telling me what to do."

"Broster."
-Jim Hardwick

"I hate minestrone people."
-Jim Hardwick

"I have good grammar, dude."
-Jim Hardwick

"You almost ripped my beautiful hair out."
-Me

"There may come a day when the drinking of Jim faileth. But this is not that day. Today we drink!"
-Jim Hardwick

"Sometimes I don't forget...but every once in a while..."
-Me

"I want that dress...to fit me."
-Taylor Lawrence

"It's the orctathog...is that right?"

"Nobody should ever know when I'm secretly batting around the idea of higher education."
-Kristen Nelson

"There's a difference between the beholder and the beholdee."
-Jim Hardwick

"Did you say a question?"
-Me

"Are you drunk?"
"How could you tell?"
"By the way you danced over the Nintendo 64."
-Jim, Me

"Lent doesn't count when you're drunk."
-Kristen Nelson

"And the lemon said, 'is that an open wound? Let's hang out in it!'"
-Kristen Nelson

"It just snuck into my mouth. That's how all the bad things happen to me."
-Kristen Nelson

"What did you get?"
"A pizza."
"... Let me amend. What KIND of pizza did you get?"
-Kristen, Gregory

"Kristen, that's not the Heimlech, those are my boobs."

"Aren't you too drunk to be correcting me?"
-Kristen Nelson

"You're welcome about how I saved you from Mad Cow disease, ok?"
-Kristen Nelson

"Did you see me? I was in the back, jumping and waving my arms."
-Brandon

"Would you like another hefeweizen?"
"No. ... What's GOOD?"
-Waiter, Kristen

"Jim? .... Deed le-ee-deeedle-eee-de?"
-Kristen Nelson

"Done, and YOURE FIIIIIIIIIIINE."
-Kristen Nelson (with help from Jim Hardwick.)