She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

"Tea bag me, your highness!"
-Samantha W.

"You can't walk away from me, I'm jacking you off!"
-Samantha W.

"I'm gonna punch you in the face with my vagina."
-Samantha W.

"Tongue-slap my bung hole."
-Anthony

"That's the second-cutest thing I've ever seen you do."
"What was the first?"
"When you accidentally showed me your gooch."
"Your life is great..."
-Anthony and Samantha W.

"Anthony's life is an interpretive dance poem."
-Samantha W.

"I just burped French."
-Samantha W.

"My house is the opposite of rehab. We should just call it hab."
-Jim

"It's a hard knock life for Jim. All the world is against him! He ain't got no soda pop so he's got to drink some gin. It's a hard knock life."
-Me

"Don't hide your cock under a bushel."
"Or do."
-Jim, Me

"I just want to see someone cry because their nose is being picked."

"Tequiero means I love you, right?"
"It sounds like tacos, so I say yes!"
-Me, Greg

"Beauty is in the eye of the boob-holder."

"There are nerds in my crotch."
-Me

"Touch my hand while we're talking about family."

"I had a Long Island. It is gone now."
"Is it the long-lost island?"

"I just googled 'skin ugly people.' Oops."
-Kristen

"Can you imagine the sex? ...I think I just burped hot dog."

"Because who can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves?"

This Post Is Pending Approval

"We're all pastafarians. It's just that some of us haven't been taught the truth yet."
-Jim Hardwick

"Why are you pushing the table away?"
"Sometimes I need both hands to dance with."
-Jim, Me

"I've got too much to do. Like...stuff."
-Jim Hardwick

"I have a minor..a mild ... No, that's the wrong word. (Pause) you know I have a mild fondness for monster energy drinks."
-Jim Hardwick

"I think it's clear you're not sitting down because of where the ceiling is."
-Me

"I'm Eleanor Dashwood, which means I'm Emma Thompson, which means I get to marry Hugh Grant, but isn't he older? Doesn't he have a son? Can I substitute another Hugh? Hugh Dancy! I'll have Hugh Dancy!"
-Gregory Burbank

"I think I just did a magic trick on myself."
-Me

"I didn't catch any of that because I was thinking about cheese."
-Jim Hardwick

"Anything you can do I can do half-assed."
-Geoff Smith

"There's magic in Callando, but I wanna watch what I wanna watch."

"I hear this voice in my head of a teenage vampire, telling me what to do."

"Broster."
-Jim Hardwick

"I hate minestrone people."
-Jim Hardwick

"I have good grammar, dude."
-Jim Hardwick

"You almost ripped my beautiful hair out."
-Me

"There may come a day when the drinking of Jim faileth. But this is not that day. Today we drink!"
-Jim Hardwick

"Sometimes I don't forget...but every once in a while..."
-Me

"I want that dress...to fit me."
-Taylor Lawrence

"It's the orctathog...is that right?"

"Nobody should ever know when I'm secretly batting around the idea of higher education."
-Kristen Nelson

"There's a difference between the beholder and the beholdee."
-Jim Hardwick

"Did you say a question?"
-Me

"Are you drunk?"
"How could you tell?"
"By the way you danced over the Nintendo 64."
-Jim, Me

"Lent doesn't count when you're drunk."
-Kristen Nelson

"And the lemon said, 'is that an open wound? Let's hang out in it!'"
-Kristen Nelson

"It just snuck into my mouth. That's how all the bad things happen to me."
-Kristen Nelson

"What did you get?"
"A pizza."
"... Let me amend. What KIND of pizza did you get?"
-Kristen, Gregory

"Kristen, that's not the Heimlech, those are my boobs."

"Aren't you too drunk to be correcting me?"
-Kristen Nelson

"You're welcome about how I saved you from Mad Cow disease, ok?"
-Kristen Nelson

"Did you see me? I was in the back, jumping and waving my arms."
-Brandon

"Would you like another hefeweizen?"
"No. ... What's GOOD?"
-Waiter, Kristen

"Jim? .... Deed le-ee-deeedle-eee-de?"
-Kristen Nelson

"Done, and YOURE FIIIIIIIIIIINE."
-Kristen Nelson (with help from Jim Hardwick.)

I Cook With Wine; Sometimes I Even Add It To The Food

"You're funny. My shoulder was involved with your forehead. They were intimate."
-Samantha

"Does Amazon hate Apple? I think that's what's going on here."
-Jim

"Enjoy your Chinese food, because I have not had a boner in a while."
-Jesse

"Why is it that the movies credit every little person that helps with the film, but when people get a double bypass, my name isn't included on the x-ray?"
-Jim

"Why can't I be 'Lieutenant Commander Software Engineer Jim?'"
-Jim

"Ohhhhh! 'Ovulation' is the opposite of 'menstruation' because 'men' don't understand the 'obv'ious. I get it now!"
-Jim

"It's not that I don't like penises, it's just that I only love my own."
-Jim

"Jews don't have webbed toes. Just big noses."
-Jim

"Stop that thinking!"
"Then what would separate me from the apes?"
"There's no need to call me names."
-Jim, Me

"Don't you DARE talk back to me about draperies!"
-Justin

"If I'm going to go down there, your taint had better not stink."
-Taylor

"Don't give me sexy thoughts in the kitchen."
-Sean

"How does snuggle happen?"
-Dain

"Goodbye, Mr. Cheese."
-Samantha to Dain

"Cherry-Almond, Almond-Cherry. Order matters not."
-Jim

I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

"Be quiet, John Williams, I'm trying to look up other music! My life doesn't revolve around you, you know."
-Justin

"I blew him off enough times for him to be like, 'You blew me off.'"
-Me

"There's a reason you look like a Disney Prince--you look like a cartoon character."
"I'm just a drawing of my former self."
-Me, Jim

"Some people enjoy that. Some people munch."
-Jesse

"This is a really good bottle of wine. It makes me forget how much cork I swallowed from my first bottle."
-Greg

"You know you're drunk when your work shoes feel comfortable."
-Jim

"Anybody who does a Willow quote is ok in my book."
-Jesse

"If I sat down with my past self and tried to talk politics and religion, I'd probably need to find the nearest wall and slam my head against it."
-Me

"They're rich as FUCK."
-Justin

If Life Deals You Lemons, Try To Find Someone Whose Life Has Dealt Them Vodka, And Have A Party.

"Don't touch me, don't touch me! ... I hate men right now."
-Justin Bradley

"Oh, don't be sad. You'll have a blastoballsuperhappyfuntimepartyexpressgagawetrocket!"
-Eric Leckman

"I think humans only burn three colors."
-Sheila Hanson

(Sung to the tune of "Simple Gifts"): "'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be algae, 'tis a gift to be stuck to this rock, you see!"
-Marjaan Alzayyat

"You're not supposed to operate heavy machinery like buoyant rubber tubes while under the influence."
-Anthony Alzayyat to his mother. (She had fallen off a tube while trying to ferry herself across the lake at night. Twice. While drunk.)

"It's getting so anybody can talk about celery."
-Marjaan Alzayyat

"Maybe that's just the Palestinian way, they just have to do things in a way that might blow up."
-Sheila Hanson

"I'm afraid of the paffy! They're in the laborhood!"
-Jesse Curran

"I have trouble closing things."
-Me

Just Because You've Got Little Boobs Doesn't Mean You're Classy

"Mornings when I catch sunrise due to not being able to sleep are like having a stranger offer me cake. I know I should be concerned, but all I think is 'CAAAAAAAAKE!'"
-Eric

"You liked my twat."
-Caleb (To Jake)

"My vagina speaks Klingon."
-Jake

"I'm just blowing on these gay guys."
-Jake

"Let's father a fake baby!"
-Jake

"Speaking of vaginas..."
-Me

"He's really good with his hands. He's a professional cellist. I came. Really hard. Like a baby gorilla."
-Me

"Three shakes equals a whack."
-Carl

"Fuck me in the asshole!"
"Here." (Hands over a big black magic marker.)
-Carleton, Sauna

"You need a codpiece."
"I have white duct tape!"
-Me to Jake

"Poop on paper."
-Andrea

"Because you don't have a Cobra Command Symbol, that's why!"
-Jen

"Heeeeeee would be a very understanding dad."
-Emily

"'The Girl Who Humped Her Friend To Death: The Alisa Rodgers Story.'"
"It was THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER!"
-Amdrea, Alisa

"Everything itches! It's an itchy back circus!"
-Me

"I'm going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?"

"People McNuggets!"
-Marjaan

"Looks like we're on the same brave length."
"Is that like a courage quotient?"
-Marjaan, My dad.

"What's the old saying? Don't fuckin' touch a fuckin' sleeping baby. Or you'll fuck yourself over. I think that's in Leviticus."
-Andrea

"I got awarded Most Improved Student two years running."
-Jared Greathouse

"I thought you were dancing with me."
"I was. That's how I get to the fridge."
-Tiffany, Jared

"In what town did The Witches of Eastwick take place?"
"......Eastwick."
-Trivia Game, Me.

"Who cares if you're temple worthy? All that matters is if you're gin worthy."

"It's a bogus threat. Gay people don't commit crime. Other than smoking pot. And sodomy."
-Jim

"I was looking at your piercing and I thought I had one."
-Russell

"Why would you say snail? Who thinks about snails?"
-Russell

"I've gotta go bowling. That's the funnest. No. Too much moving."
-Bryce

"I can't read right now, you guys. I just read, 'Navajo Boyfriend Taco.'"
-Russell