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"We're all pastafarians. It's just that some of us haven't been taught the truth yet."
-Jim Hardwick

"Why are you pushing the table away?"
"Sometimes I need both hands to dance with."
-Jim, Me

"I've got too much to do. Like...stuff."
-Jim Hardwick

"I have a minor..a mild ... No, that's the wrong word. (Pause) you know I have a mild fondness for monster energy drinks."
-Jim Hardwick

"I think it's clear you're not sitting down because of where the ceiling is."
-Me

"I'm Eleanor Dashwood, which means I'm Emma Thompson, which means I get to marry Hugh Grant, but isn't he older? Doesn't he have a son? Can I substitute another Hugh? Hugh Dancy! I'll have Hugh Dancy!"
-Gregory Burbank

"I think I just did a magic trick on myself."
-Me

"I didn't catch any of that because I was thinking about cheese."
-Jim Hardwick

"Anything you can do I can do half-assed."
-Geoff Smith

"There's magic in Callando, but I wanna watch what I wanna watch."

"I hear this voice in my head of a teenage vampire, telling me what to do."

"Broster."
-Jim Hardwick

"I hate minestrone people."
-Jim Hardwick

"I have good grammar, dude."
-Jim Hardwick

"You almost ripped my beautiful hair out."
-Me

"There may come a day when the drinking of Jim faileth. But this is not that day. Today we drink!"
-Jim Hardwick

"Sometimes I don't forget...but every once in a while..."
-Me

"I want that dress...to fit me."
-Taylor Lawrence

"It's the orctathog...is that right?"

"Nobody should ever know when I'm secretly batting around the idea of higher education."
-Kristen Nelson

"There's a difference between the beholder and the beholdee."
-Jim Hardwick

"Did you say a question?"
-Me

"Are you drunk?"
"How could you tell?"
"By the way you danced over the Nintendo 64."
-Jim, Me

"Lent doesn't count when you're drunk."
-Kristen Nelson

"And the lemon said, 'is that an open wound? Let's hang out in it!'"
-Kristen Nelson

"It just snuck into my mouth. That's how all the bad things happen to me."
-Kristen Nelson

"What did you get?"
"A pizza."
"... Let me amend. What KIND of pizza did you get?"
-Kristen, Gregory

"Kristen, that's not the Heimlech, those are my boobs."

"Aren't you too drunk to be correcting me?"
-Kristen Nelson

"You're welcome about how I saved you from Mad Cow disease, ok?"
-Kristen Nelson

"Did you see me? I was in the back, jumping and waving my arms."
-Brandon

"Would you like another hefeweizen?"
"No. ... What's GOOD?"
-Waiter, Kristen

"Jim? .... Deed le-ee-deeedle-eee-de?"
-Kristen Nelson

"Done, and YOURE FIIIIIIIIIIINE."
-Kristen Nelson (with help from Jim Hardwick.)