Rubbing Up Against The Perineum Doesn't Count As Losing Your Virginity.

"They'd start fighting about god. Or sweaters."
-Dillion Barker

"Can we dump wine on Hermione?"
"Why?"
"To make her slimy."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Like, everything's numb. Am I dying?"
-Christopher Rose

"Will you tell him I'm not gonna puke?"
-Christopher Rose

"That thing was amazing. I was like...floating and shit. Wooooooooooaah!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Drink more, for tomorrow we die."
"Of alcohol poisoning."
-Jim Hardwick, Me

"She's having a pressing peristalsis poop predicament."
-Andrea Hanson

"And they never pooped again."
-Andrea Hanson

"I'm bad with Spanish and girl stuff."
-Jim Hardwick

"You know what we don't have? A little turquoise swimming pool. ... I'm sorry about that."
-My mom. (Obviously not druOh,nk talk. But still funny.)

"I'm not head butting you, I'm top heading you."
-Jim Hardwick

"Where does rain come from?"
-Jim Hardwick

"Your vibrato sounds like the pounding in my head."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Who doesn't like someone growling when they're naked?"
-Jesse Curran

"I look like a monkey having a seizure."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Penises are different colors? That's a thing?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"This boy is not delicious."
-Hermione

"This one time I had a nap. ... Badumbump."
-Greg Burbank

"I had to go to a bunny funeral. It was the most touching bunny funeral service I have ever seen."
-Dillion Barker

"Sometimes I pretend that I'm Dumbo. I hold a feather in my trunk and say, 'Please, Jesus, let me fly.' And then I meet Tinkerbell."
-Dillion Barker

"I wasn't raising my hand, I was dancing."
-Corey Wilkey

"Oh, your biggest turn-off is drama? Funny, my biggest turn-off is boring."
-Justin Bradley

"So-I have a question for you, and this is the vodka talking: what the hell?"
-Justin Bradley

"When did we become so socially out of demand?"
-Justin Bradley

"Patrick Stewart and I were trapped in a metal room. He had a light saber."
-Jim Hardwick

"She looked at me with those, 'I'm gonna shit on your carpet' eyes."
-Jim Hardwick

"That's gotta be, at least, the grand canyon of cleavage."
-Jim Hardwick

"I thought I could spell. Shit. I should just end it all now."
-Jim Hardwick

"Why do I always have to pee in weird locations? Like the roof."
-Jim Hardwick