Just Because You've Got Little Boobs Doesn't Mean You're Classy

"Mornings when I catch sunrise due to not being able to sleep are like having a stranger offer me cake. I know I should be concerned, but all I think is 'CAAAAAAAAKE!'"
-Eric

"You liked my twat."
-Caleb (To Jake)

"My vagina speaks Klingon."
-Jake

"I'm just blowing on these gay guys."
-Jake

"Let's father a fake baby!"
-Jake

"Speaking of vaginas..."
-Me

"He's really good with his hands. He's a professional cellist. I came. Really hard. Like a baby gorilla."
-Me

"Three shakes equals a whack."
-Carl

"Fuck me in the asshole!"
"Here." (Hands over a big black magic marker.)
-Carleton, Sauna

"You need a codpiece."
"I have white duct tape!"
-Me to Jake

"Poop on paper."
-Andrea

"Because you don't have a Cobra Command Symbol, that's why!"
-Jen

"Heeeeeee would be a very understanding dad."
-Emily

"'The Girl Who Humped Her Friend To Death: The Alisa Rodgers Story.'"
"It was THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER!"
-Amdrea, Alisa

"Everything itches! It's an itchy back circus!"
-Me

"I'm going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?"

"People McNuggets!"
-Marjaan

"Looks like we're on the same brave length."
"Is that like a courage quotient?"
-Marjaan, My dad.

"What's the old saying? Don't fuckin' touch a fuckin' sleeping baby. Or you'll fuck yourself over. I think that's in Leviticus."
-Andrea

"I got awarded Most Improved Student two years running."
-Jared Greathouse

"I thought you were dancing with me."
"I was. That's how I get to the fridge."
-Tiffany, Jared

"In what town did The Witches of Eastwick take place?"
"......Eastwick."
-Trivia Game, Me.

"Who cares if you're temple worthy? All that matters is if you're gin worthy."

"It's a bogus threat. Gay people don't commit crime. Other than smoking pot. And sodomy."
-Jim

"I was looking at your piercing and I thought I had one."
-Russell

"Why would you say snail? Who thinks about snails?"
-Russell

"I've gotta go bowling. That's the funnest. No. Too much moving."
-Bryce

"I can't read right now, you guys. I just read, 'Navajo Boyfriend Taco.'"
-Russell

If You Die In An Elevator, Be Sure To Push The Up Button

"I am full of hashbrowns and other fatty foods and I am angry."
-Kristen

"I love balls."
-Kristina

"He could blow me with that hair."
-John (about Adam)

"I have a very cute freckle that I don't want my nostrils hiding."
-Bryce

"What kind of sex can you have while you're also throwing someone's backpack into the living room?"
-Me

"I was wiping my face free of cat hair. ... I was just making out with my cat. Leave me alone!"
-Me

"I may or may probably am drunk."
-Bryce

"Let's take a hostage! We don't have jobs. That's what the unemployed do, right?"
-Bryce

"Don't you always want a hamburger?"
-Bryce

"Not everybody's responsible enough for coffee, Evelyn."
-B

"Looks like Jamie Foxx did a better Ray Charles than Ray Charles himself."
-B

"WIth great power comes great... Sex."
-Jim Hardwick

"I know what I know. I know some things I don't know. Those are the known unknowns. Then there are the unknown unknowns. I don't know those."
-Jim Hardwick

Trying is the first step toward sucking.

"Let's watch a sad movie and pretend we're crying about the movie."
-Bryce

"I don't have to do anything. I am an Arab woman, the freest person in the world."
-Bryce

"You are like a straight man tonight!"
-Bryce to Greg

"I don't like boys, I like Netflix."
-Bryce

"I love your penis and I'm baking you lasagna."
-Greg's advice on what to say to a guy you're in love with to make him like you.

"I've never had a tea party that didn't turn into an orgy."
-Kyle

"God. That giant spider creature that took credit for making everything."
-Jim

"I am the savior of this pancake."
-Bryce

"You're significantly less adorable than a gerbil."
-Kristen

"Is it possible to have sex with a voice?"
-Kristen

"When you're done proposing, here's your beer ticket."
-Ducky

"Can you say Gimlet without smiling? Because I can't."
-Bryce

"If I could have sex with a sound, it would be this one."
-Bryce

"I must have Freud's approval for all my children's names."
-Bryce

"I like my pancakes like I like my penises and that's NOT four inches."
-Bryce

"Isn't leg strength fascinating?"
-Cami

"I don't have my eyeliner on! No toasts!"
-Bryce

"Death to all women! (Pause) I have decided that my New Year's resolution is to be a misogynist from now on."
-Bryce

"Back when maids used to be Irish instead of Mexican."
-Me

"Excuse me I have to go masturbate about something that's not this."
-Justin

Poised At The End Of The World. (Or Not So Poised.)

"That's what she said before she went to bed very satisfied and happy."
-Taylor

"Elise, if I don't find my shirt I'm wearing your pot holders home."
-Kristen (Said with pot holders dangling out of her bra.)

"You could always lie back. I could always rub other things."
-Kristina

"You burped me!"
-Taylor

"What are you talking about? I've had multiple shirts stolen from me. Skillets. Pots. If the zombies come, I'm fucked."
-Kristen

"You can wear the scarf. You just have to put both the ends back so both your titties are in full view."
-Marcus

"I'm being raped by boobies!"
-Dillion

"Why are all the shirts off?"
-Bryce

"Hers are more like 'bpeew!' and yours are more like 'WOOOAH.'"
-Dillion, comparing mine and Mackenzie's breasts.

"Please don't actually kiss my ass."
-Taylor

"Wait. Have you ever met a woman who's not a man?"
-Dillion

"Shake your butt this time or you lose."
-Kristen

"I'm getting a massage. I prefer onion rings."
-Kristen

"Where are my zombie-squishing boots?"
-Bryce

"Do you think they drink whisky in space?"
-J'myle (Said very incredulously.)

"Kristina has been saved by the lord Obama. Raise your pans. Good thing we're using brown paper bags, that's less racist."
-Bryce

"Obama will tell us. Let's pray to Obama. I'm channeling Obama through this pan."
-Bryce

"Is that what we're doing? Turning into zombies?"
-Mackenzie

"She just said, 'Who's Angela Lansbury?'"
"I just dropped my pot. I don't care about killing zombies anymore."
-Me, Bryce (about Mackenzie)

"If you're not hot by the time you're 26, you're probably not attractive."
-J'myle

"I will feed you to the zombies if you don't tell the story."
-Bryce

"Did I SAY I was a bear? I'm a Bryce!"
-Bryce

"Inside voice, neo-hippie."
-Kyle

"Tammy is the Kevin Bacon of the real world."
-Taylor

"I would totally have a camping funnel."
-Cami

"Preston's Chinese when he's high."
-Alexa

"I am fully gruntled, thank you."
-Michele

"Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

Disclaimer: Obviously, since some of these are my family, they weren't alcohol induced.

"You can't really ruin turkpot."
-Kristen Nelson

"All this talk about blow jobs is making me want a cigarette."
-Dillion Barker

"We have to watch it together. It's good. There's lots of water."
-My mom

"What is this, the emergency room? I wanted to go to the mall!"
-My sister Heidi

"Let my iPhone go." (Sung to the tune of "Let My People Go.")
-Andrea

"I am the witch Abagabba! This is my stick, and this is my band aid! Those zombie scuba divers don't stand a chance!"
-My mom

"That was fast! I'm gonna write your name on the bathroom wall, sir."
-Justin Bradley

"Am I reversing puberty?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"Everybody's glowing."
-Bryce Kamryn

"Everything's fuzzy but the people. Are you heaven people?"
-Bryce Kamryn

"I'm going to drown!"
-Bryce Kamryn

"How long until they almost rape you?"
-JayC Stoddard

Some May Have Been Halloween Candy-Induced...

"Don't let that dragonfly touch me or I'll fall off the edge of this castle."
-Me

"It'sa Mario!"
"No...it's a Mexican. With a moustache."
-Bryce and Taylor

"I've got fourth wall in my eye."
-Sam

"He put his face in my hands and I told him I was drunk."
-Amanda

"I'm gonna sleep with you if I can't find anyone else. Get your vagina ready."
-Bryce

"I'm never going to need to do cocaine. Like, ever. Mania...is fantastic. I'm really dizzy, perhaps I should lie down. No! No lying down! Pizza! Pizza fairies that deliver pizza in the middle of the woods! Bubbles bubbles saran wrap bubbles. Cop, cop rocks, doughnuts self-promoting puppy vouchers. Presidents cherry stix flavored vodka on the rocks with SALT! Hotcha! Management queries legal factoid button nose plug blue."
-Me

"You look like a woman who is hot and wearing leather. I don't have that option. They all know I have a penis."
-Bryce

"Your boobs taste like Homer Simpson."
-J'myle

"My nipples just ripped my dress open."
-Bryce

"I would NOT drink a Malbec after bad sex."
-Dillion

"This wine is quite fluffy."
-Bryce

"Where are the friends? I need folk!"
-Greg

"How's it gonna be, Jared. ... Pffffffffffffft."
-Sam

"Once you screw a Jew, nothing else will do."
-Michele

"I'll eat your pasta."
-Me

"You never know when you're gonna need a good dress, I mean, come on!"
-Jesse